
<em>From the Archives of Plectoro Ira</em>
<em>A transcription of a speech given by a Professor (name redacted for unknown reasons) as part of a ThinkCore lecture series on extraterrestrial life.</em>

Thank you. Thank you everyone. Ok, settle down. Thanks.

I've been asked to give a short speech on extraterrestrial life. There isn't any extraterrestrial life. Goodnight.

Ok, I see that doesn't satisfy most of you. I suppose I should describe my views in greater depth then, yes?

Since Ancient times, mankind has been convinced that extraterrestrial life exists. By which I mean: xenos, aliens, little green men, intelligent space-slugs, Jedis, and the like. Ancient texts are rife with flying saucers and unexplained abductions. 

Pre-Little Bump records indicate that our ancestors tried to prove the existence of aliens many times. There was an entire town called &quot;Roswell&quot; that was founded in the ancient country of New Mexico for the express purpose of detecting aliens. At one point in history, there was a prolonged government investigation spearheaded by an &quot;Agent Fox&quot; from the American Empire. For nine years he and his common-law wife soughtunsuccessfullyto find proof of extraterrestrial life. While, as he put it, &quot;the truth&quot; may have been out there, clearly xenos were not.

The ancients spent the equivalent of several trillion credits on primitive radio wave detection programs. Many intriguing bloops and blerps were heard. No xenos were detected.

We've since enhanced these programs with modern techniques like fractal resonance detection and bosonic data filtering. Guess what? Still no xenos.

And now, deep in the throes of our new Renaissance, this so-called &quot;Big Bump&quot; everyone's shouting about, we once again turn our eyes to the sky and cry &quot;Where are you??&quot;

Save your breath, my friends. No one is listening.
